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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Oh, I bet you would be
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
i baked you a cake
My dog after a walk in the woods.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.