Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
where the womens at?
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.