Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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Hot hot hot 🥵
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing