*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions