My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
We’ve come full circle
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
He just like my cat fr
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
No chill.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
me when I see my crush
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me