*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
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I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing