Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
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[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Travel bloggers during quarantine