With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.