Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
You Might Also Like
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.