My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*