I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
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It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Mornin
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future