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If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
i think both sides are to blame here
My inexpensive home security system…
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?