*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.