A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
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How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I saw this ending much differently.
When your man makes a valid point
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit