Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
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*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
A friend helps you before you need it
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.