Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*