Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
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“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Breaking news:
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Lmfao
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
How I’d get arrested…
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll: