If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Good dog. ❤️