Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. π΅βπ«
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasnβt coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Fight Club but itβs just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes βtheirβ carβthe one neither of them paid for
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dadβs job is literally being a chair
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
#merica
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
it’s the silliest best thing
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Doctor: Iβm sorry, but it looks like you wonβt be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But Iβve only sprained my ankle.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.