When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
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Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.