computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
congratulations to them
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Whoa 😂
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
My daily affirmation
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.