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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy