my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them