All set.
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Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Very good! 👍😂
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries