I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Just say no
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance