me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.