dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Basically.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.