My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.