Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
You Might Also Like
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
They got Raph!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again