Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
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I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Straight people are cancelled
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
never forget
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it