there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.