You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”