Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
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The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Important
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
One venti cheeseburger please.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]