My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
You Might Also Like
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice