Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am