My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.