*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.