[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper