Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
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I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”