Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
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It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
doing some research
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.