I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?