on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Worth a try
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry