I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
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Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Only Americans understand
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Incredible customer service.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.