putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Uh oh…
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.