“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Breaking news:
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog