How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.