I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
These are too funny not to post 😂
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
In case you needed to hear it:
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
When someone asks if I have any hobbies