Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
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I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.