knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
You Might Also Like
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business