My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
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I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
no refunds
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I want this so bad
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.